Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
