I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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