After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
