Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
