I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
