Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
