I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
