dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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