i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
