i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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