a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
