He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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