your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
True college students do jello shots in the library
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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