I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
