god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it hurts more in the daytime
i can't believe i had my finger in that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
