Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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