i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
