can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
