my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
