watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
