happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
if only i could text you this smell
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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