Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
