She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
FUCK WHALES
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
