I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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