is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
