Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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