Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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