My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
