nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
there is glitter all over my balls
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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