I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's never too late to be topless.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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