Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize