i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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