dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
