remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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