I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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