walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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