Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
