I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
