Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
