my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Even my vagina gasped.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
