Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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