my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
