I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
