new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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