My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
