U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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