dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
