Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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