So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize