Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
