i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
