im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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