My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
