"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
