At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
