Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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