I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
