just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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