It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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