she woke up with a sticky ear
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
