woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
