Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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